Watching the crowds go by

Things that happened today while I stood outside my work watching the people:

1) Someone tried to steal me. They waved R200 in front of my face, I made a grab for it, then some guy "jokingly" hug/grabbed me, he wanted me to go away with him. I said no. Just like my mom told me not to take candy from strangers, don't take money from strangers too.

2) I saw a car accident. It was actually a hit and run. Was exciting.

3) Made friends with a bergie called Simon, but not Simple Simon as he says.

4) Had a nice game of Simon Says.

5) Got whistled, hooted and the loud kissing noise at by men as they drove past. Even though they are muck for doing it and are mainly men in their late 40s with beer bellies and tuft of hair, I still can't help but laugh. It's flattering and gross at the same time.

6) Made friends with another bergie, he asked me to marry him. I said no.

7) Saw a pigeon with a leg that had no toes. I called him one-leg-peg, the pirate of the skies.

8) Saw a man pushing a Shoprite trolley filled with Nik Naks. I asked if I could have one, he said no and told me to fuck off. Rudeness.

9) Someone asked me if I had a hunting knife on me. I said no. Honestly! But seriously though, I do know people who carry large knives on their person. They are safe and unsafe to be around.

10) Watched a man very happily devour an apple while he sat at the robots. I mean he was really really enjoying it. I think he ate the core, pips, stalk and leaves as well. The apple monster.

• The small thing that made me smile today: All of the above.
  

I'm winning

Well, if I'll be, it's only 10:50 in the morning, probably the earliest I've been up since primary school, and it's already been an absolutely splendid day.

So many things are just going right. I'm as fit as a fiddle which cast away any looming suspicions, I got paid, got skipped to the front of the queue in the villaaage, parking right outside, and an old guy winked at me.

The sun is shining on my face even in this winter weather.

Fabulous.

I had a bit of trouble today at Dr. Who. I couldn't "submit" a urine sample, why is that so difficult. I thought of everything that has to do with the old H2O. Gushing waterfalls, flowing streams, rapid rivers, Aquella, Bonaqua, Valpre, watching the olympics swimming and diving.

Nothing.

Not a wee drop. I sat there like a dry-bladder tool, and eventually had to go up to the receptionist and say this just isn't happening, I don't understand, my bladder has never been so rebellious before.

Thinking about it now, I should've been in trance-party bladder mode, it just seems to be like the Niagra Falls at those shindigs.
Oh well.

Productive weekend up ahead, I don't know why, I just think it will be. My tarot card said so.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw the old "stop hello" and "walk hello" incident occur. It's basically when you see someone you know, but not THAT friendly with them. Do you stop and have a brief chat, or do you keep on walking and just say hello until you can't hear each others voices anymore. In this scenario we had today, the guy stopped but the lady kept on walking. Ouch! He was left standing, and she walked on awkwardly.
  

It happens to the best of us.

Coincidence... I think NOT

Why is it that when you're desperately trying to avoid someone you just end up bumping into them everywhere you go?

I've been trying to avoid this guy = "Avoiding Guy" and I've seen him almost every day this week. WTF? Thanks universe, you are, hands down, the master of awkward silences.

From now I'm going to try and avoid Johnny Depp...

In other cases of my exciting life, I have become a witch, but not a bad one, a good one. Like Glenda, or Glinda, the Witch of the North from the Wizard of Oz. I have a host of potions that I've been given, and boy do they work!

I put a few drops of this and a few drops of that and then whattayaknow, I'm cured. Of course I say a little spell before I drink it, it goes something like this...

"Hocus Pocus, I like to drink this, It's yummy and funny and makes everything smile including my bunny."

I think I'll take some right now in fact.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw an actual shag-mobile. It was this old hippie looking Microbus, and it had rendezvous looking curtains in the back part of it. Perfect for the old raunchy vaunchy.

Good times!

Inneresting

So, I am apparently a very stresses out human being. Got given these herbal pills and have been flying ever since.

I feel high but not, sleepy but happy.

Who ever knew flowers could do so much, they really need to start putting that shit into food, woolworths food. Sales would soar, just imagine, a macaroni and cheese microwave meal with some flower called flyhighimmediatos. People would flock.

New business venture perhaps.

Anyway, had my whole weekend in the northern suburbs, felt more like the northern hemisphere. Really need to work on my afrikaaaaaans, it's horrible.

Most conversations went like this:

Elderly couple: Hoeveel is dit?
Me: Um...
EC: Dis produkt hier... hoeveel?
Me: Wat? Ek sorry is, ek nie speak afrikaans very wel nie.
EC: Is jy Italian?
Me: No, why?
EC: Jy klink soos 'n Italian. Is jy from England or Amerikaaaaaa?
Me: Seriously I was born and bred in Cape Town, I got the fucked up mind to prove it.
EC: We don't believe jou.
Me: I know right? Sometimes I can't believe it either.
EC: huh?
Me: I'm sorry I told you I don't speak Afrikaans very well.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Eavesdropping on a convo, and hearing all about the scandal going on with this lady's grandchildren. Pretty hectic, even I thought so.
  

That's all.

They're everywhere, they're everywhere!

So the day began with me getting horrendoosly lost and ending up in Mitchells Plain, seeing that my paranoia is something in the mid 900s, it wasn't fun. I clutched onto my pepper spray waiting for some punk to try anything. They would regret it, pepper and me are bestest friends, and they pepper don't mind burning your eyes out.

Worked in the northern suburbs today. Was kak boring, but oh. my. god. what is up with all the frigging emo's there! They are everywhere! The lot walking around with hair in their eyes, tight pants that make their faces blue, some t-shirt with a sad face on it or a broken heart. Jesus Christoff, cheer the fuck up, seriously!

SMILE!

The world is not out to get, unless you're into scientology, in that case talk to Tom Cruise, he's in the closet.

People do not think you're ugly, it's just because we can't actually see your face, so if you get upset because of our expressions of warped curiosity frustrate and anger you, then change your fucking ways.

Piss. Me. Off.

God.

I had a good feeling about humanity yesterday, first a friendly neighbour helped me out, then while driving to dinner I saw a lady just walk up to a homeless person and give them food. How nice!? very!

It made me feel all warm and tingly inside. I then realised that was just because I was hungry.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw a boer, A real afrikaaner! The shoes, khaki short shorts, khaki and green top, a thick black muzz, and the best part... a straw hat.
  Boy did I laugh!

illiteracy...

...it's bad, worse than I thought. I honestly had no idea how horrendoos this growing epidemic is. And where is the worst... the shopping malls.

There are two signs that people are either oblivious to, or just can't read what the hell they are saying. The two signs... "ENTRANCE" "EXIT" Why, oh why, oh why why why is this so difficult to read.

Today I stood waiting get into Constantia Villaaage while some housewife was busy hacking away on the phone about her poodle, I think it was a metaphor, for what, I'm not sure. Meanwhile I'm standing there like a nutsack while her trolley filled with granola bars goes waltzing through the "Entrance" side.

Seriously. Seriously?! Ser rrrr iass ly.

Ho hum.

Weekend was a blast, got smashed on Saturday night at Ponies party, I just kept on walking... think, think... Then in the morning I couldn't walk no more.

Tomorrow I'm working in the northern suburbs. I think people from the southern suburbs are very different to those in the northern, just from past experience. Things just seem to be more hectique and sorta emo around there, but will see how I fair under the circumstances of being happy, and thinking that no one is out to get me, and walking around with my hair not in my face.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Someone told a teddy bear to smile...
  

Intriguing.

Who knew...

Oh Jesus, mother Mary, Moses parting the red sea, someone naming their kid Lot, cabbage on acid I am hungover today. Had a heavy night after Sting's b-day bash. Just lots of drinking, too much drinking, more than my feeble little liver can handle.

My hungover was very angry in the early hours of this morning when I forced myself out of the comfort of my bed to head off to Millerton to work. I'm not used to this whole work scenario and my body didn't react to it well.

But, nevertheless I didn't feel too bad walking in, eyes half shut, horrid feeling of nausea and brain feeling too big for my skull, as I quickly learnt that mostly everyone else was feeling the same as I was.

In other parts of my "exciting" day, I went to the shops and who knew amusing things could happen. Was waiting to buy some rolls when this lady was holding something in her hand, she said it had fallen from the ceiling, and you know what it was... A MOUSE! A little cute ball of grey fur. It looked so scared, but everyone else was going berserk, I just stood their laughing.

But then after contemplating it for a second and a half I felt really sad for the mouse. There it probably was in the ceiling playing a nice game of cat and mouse (excuse pun, was necessary) with its friends, when all of a sudden it just falls and has to deal with havoc, people screaming, hands grabbing. Eventually it was put in a bag and transported to the outside world.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Has anyone ever seen that lady who's had so much plastic surgery she looks like a cat? Well, I think I saw her today, or at least someone who wanted to look like her. Ponies on MDMA, it was mad. Cheeks as high as her hairline, lips as plump as her calves, a nose as pointy as the guy she was with, and eyes as squint as matchsticks. It was a sight for sore eyes. I just don't get it, why????!!! Joan Rivers does it, God that woman is funny, everytime I watch her I laugh so hard I crack a tooth. Classic!!!

But anyway, she was in the queue behind me, I couldn't turn around otherwise my sensitivity to laugh would've been too much for me to handle.