Watching the crowds go by

Things that happened today while I stood outside my work watching the people:

1) Someone tried to steal me. They waved R200 in front of my face, I made a grab for it, then some guy "jokingly" hug/grabbed me, he wanted me to go away with him. I said no. Just like my mom told me not to take candy from strangers, don't take money from strangers too.

2) I saw a car accident. It was actually a hit and run. Was exciting.

3) Made friends with a bergie called Simon, but not Simple Simon as he says.

4) Had a nice game of Simon Says.

5) Got whistled, hooted and the loud kissing noise at by men as they drove past. Even though they are muck for doing it and are mainly men in their late 40s with beer bellies and tuft of hair, I still can't help but laugh. It's flattering and gross at the same time.

6) Made friends with another bergie, he asked me to marry him. I said no.

7) Saw a pigeon with a leg that had no toes. I called him one-leg-peg, the pirate of the skies.

8) Saw a man pushing a Shoprite trolley filled with Nik Naks. I asked if I could have one, he said no and told me to fuck off. Rudeness.

9) Someone asked me if I had a hunting knife on me. I said no. Honestly! But seriously though, I do know people who carry large knives on their person. They are safe and unsafe to be around.

10) Watched a man very happily devour an apple while he sat at the robots. I mean he was really really enjoying it. I think he ate the core, pips, stalk and leaves as well. The apple monster.

• The small thing that made me smile today: All of the above.
  

I'm winning

Well, if I'll be, it's only 10:50 in the morning, probably the earliest I've been up since primary school, and it's already been an absolutely splendid day.

So many things are just going right. I'm as fit as a fiddle which cast away any looming suspicions, I got paid, got skipped to the front of the queue in the villaaage, parking right outside, and an old guy winked at me.

The sun is shining on my face even in this winter weather.

Fabulous.

I had a bit of trouble today at Dr. Who. I couldn't "submit" a urine sample, why is that so difficult. I thought of everything that has to do with the old H2O. Gushing waterfalls, flowing streams, rapid rivers, Aquella, Bonaqua, Valpre, watching the olympics swimming and diving.

Nothing.

Not a wee drop. I sat there like a dry-bladder tool, and eventually had to go up to the receptionist and say this just isn't happening, I don't understand, my bladder has never been so rebellious before.

Thinking about it now, I should've been in trance-party bladder mode, it just seems to be like the Niagra Falls at those shindigs.
Oh well.

Productive weekend up ahead, I don't know why, I just think it will be. My tarot card said so.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw the old "stop hello" and "walk hello" incident occur. It's basically when you see someone you know, but not THAT friendly with them. Do you stop and have a brief chat, or do you keep on walking and just say hello until you can't hear each others voices anymore. In this scenario we had today, the guy stopped but the lady kept on walking. Ouch! He was left standing, and she walked on awkwardly.
  

It happens to the best of us.

Coincidence... I think NOT

Why is it that when you're desperately trying to avoid someone you just end up bumping into them everywhere you go?

I've been trying to avoid this guy = "Avoiding Guy" and I've seen him almost every day this week. WTF? Thanks universe, you are, hands down, the master of awkward silences.

From now I'm going to try and avoid Johnny Depp...

In other cases of my exciting life, I have become a witch, but not a bad one, a good one. Like Glenda, or Glinda, the Witch of the North from the Wizard of Oz. I have a host of potions that I've been given, and boy do they work!

I put a few drops of this and a few drops of that and then whattayaknow, I'm cured. Of course I say a little spell before I drink it, it goes something like this...

"Hocus Pocus, I like to drink this, It's yummy and funny and makes everything smile including my bunny."

I think I'll take some right now in fact.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw an actual shag-mobile. It was this old hippie looking Microbus, and it had rendezvous looking curtains in the back part of it. Perfect for the old raunchy vaunchy.

Good times!

Inneresting

So, I am apparently a very stresses out human being. Got given these herbal pills and have been flying ever since.

I feel high but not, sleepy but happy.

Who ever knew flowers could do so much, they really need to start putting that shit into food, woolworths food. Sales would soar, just imagine, a macaroni and cheese microwave meal with some flower called flyhighimmediatos. People would flock.

New business venture perhaps.

Anyway, had my whole weekend in the northern suburbs, felt more like the northern hemisphere. Really need to work on my afrikaaaaaans, it's horrible.

Most conversations went like this:

Elderly couple: Hoeveel is dit?
Me: Um...
EC: Dis produkt hier... hoeveel?
Me: Wat? Ek sorry is, ek nie speak afrikaans very wel nie.
EC: Is jy Italian?
Me: No, why?
EC: Jy klink soos 'n Italian. Is jy from England or Amerikaaaaaa?
Me: Seriously I was born and bred in Cape Town, I got the fucked up mind to prove it.
EC: We don't believe jou.
Me: I know right? Sometimes I can't believe it either.
EC: huh?
Me: I'm sorry I told you I don't speak Afrikaans very well.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Eavesdropping on a convo, and hearing all about the scandal going on with this lady's grandchildren. Pretty hectic, even I thought so.
  

That's all.

They're everywhere, they're everywhere!

So the day began with me getting horrendoosly lost and ending up in Mitchells Plain, seeing that my paranoia is something in the mid 900s, it wasn't fun. I clutched onto my pepper spray waiting for some punk to try anything. They would regret it, pepper and me are bestest friends, and they pepper don't mind burning your eyes out.

Worked in the northern suburbs today. Was kak boring, but oh. my. god. what is up with all the frigging emo's there! They are everywhere! The lot walking around with hair in their eyes, tight pants that make their faces blue, some t-shirt with a sad face on it or a broken heart. Jesus Christoff, cheer the fuck up, seriously!

SMILE!

The world is not out to get, unless you're into scientology, in that case talk to Tom Cruise, he's in the closet.

People do not think you're ugly, it's just because we can't actually see your face, so if you get upset because of our expressions of warped curiosity frustrate and anger you, then change your fucking ways.

Piss. Me. Off.

God.

I had a good feeling about humanity yesterday, first a friendly neighbour helped me out, then while driving to dinner I saw a lady just walk up to a homeless person and give them food. How nice!? very!

It made me feel all warm and tingly inside. I then realised that was just because I was hungry.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw a boer, A real afrikaaner! The shoes, khaki short shorts, khaki and green top, a thick black muzz, and the best part... a straw hat.
  Boy did I laugh!

illiteracy...

...it's bad, worse than I thought. I honestly had no idea how horrendoos this growing epidemic is. And where is the worst... the shopping malls.

There are two signs that people are either oblivious to, or just can't read what the hell they are saying. The two signs... "ENTRANCE" "EXIT" Why, oh why, oh why why why is this so difficult to read.

Today I stood waiting get into Constantia Villaaage while some housewife was busy hacking away on the phone about her poodle, I think it was a metaphor, for what, I'm not sure. Meanwhile I'm standing there like a nutsack while her trolley filled with granola bars goes waltzing through the "Entrance" side.

Seriously. Seriously?! Ser rrrr iass ly.

Ho hum.

Weekend was a blast, got smashed on Saturday night at Ponies party, I just kept on walking... think, think... Then in the morning I couldn't walk no more.

Tomorrow I'm working in the northern suburbs. I think people from the southern suburbs are very different to those in the northern, just from past experience. Things just seem to be more hectique and sorta emo around there, but will see how I fair under the circumstances of being happy, and thinking that no one is out to get me, and walking around with my hair not in my face.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Someone told a teddy bear to smile...
  

Intriguing.

Who knew...

Oh Jesus, mother Mary, Moses parting the red sea, someone naming their kid Lot, cabbage on acid I am hungover today. Had a heavy night after Sting's b-day bash. Just lots of drinking, too much drinking, more than my feeble little liver can handle.

My hungover was very angry in the early hours of this morning when I forced myself out of the comfort of my bed to head off to Millerton to work. I'm not used to this whole work scenario and my body didn't react to it well.

But, nevertheless I didn't feel too bad walking in, eyes half shut, horrid feeling of nausea and brain feeling too big for my skull, as I quickly learnt that mostly everyone else was feeling the same as I was.

In other parts of my "exciting" day, I went to the shops and who knew amusing things could happen. Was waiting to buy some rolls when this lady was holding something in her hand, she said it had fallen from the ceiling, and you know what it was... A MOUSE! A little cute ball of grey fur. It looked so scared, but everyone else was going berserk, I just stood their laughing.

But then after contemplating it for a second and a half I felt really sad for the mouse. There it probably was in the ceiling playing a nice game of cat and mouse (excuse pun, was necessary) with its friends, when all of a sudden it just falls and has to deal with havoc, people screaming, hands grabbing. Eventually it was put in a bag and transported to the outside world.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Has anyone ever seen that lady who's had so much plastic surgery she looks like a cat? Well, I think I saw her today, or at least someone who wanted to look like her. Ponies on MDMA, it was mad. Cheeks as high as her hairline, lips as plump as her calves, a nose as pointy as the guy she was with, and eyes as squint as matchsticks. It was a sight for sore eyes. I just don't get it, why????!!! Joan Rivers does it, God that woman is funny, everytime I watch her I laugh so hard I crack a tooth. Classic!!!

But anyway, she was in the queue behind me, I couldn't turn around otherwise my sensitivity to laugh would've been too much for me to handle.

Hospital Bend is driving me around the bend

Can someone, anyone PLEASE tell me what the fuck is going on with hospital bend these days...

Construction is taking forever, and my nerves are starting to shatter. Every time I pass Rhodes memorial I start bracing myself for what is ahead, and sigh cause I now have to put two hands on the wheel, check these things called "mirrors", and actually concentrate.

I don't think anyone really knows what to do, they all just drive, swerving to get into their respective lanes. Just look at people when they driving hospital bend, a sprinkle of sweat forms on their brows as they nervously try to not fuck up.

I did something quite weird today and read the obituaries in the paper. I do it sometimes when I'm feeling a bit down about humanity, it makes me sad to read them, but it's the only real time people say nice things about one another, and when they truly speak from their heart.

I sat there at work with a lump in my throat all morning, a customer came in, asked me a question and I just sat there all tearful with a quivering chin. They left immediately.

I am queen at forcing people to not do business.

Anywoo.

• The small thing that made me smile today: There are two today actually.

1) A funny money guy was dressed up, he was wearing a shower cap, and fake beard, and black bag as a top. He looked liked a rabbi about to go for a shower after he had been on that "dunk" show that used to be on Ktv.

2) Was watching the world championship of "worlds strongest man." I personally think these guys are more fat than strong, but whatever. In the end this big, burly, carnivorous Ukranian guy won. And when he did he started screaming like a little girl whose dolly got taken away from her. Was pretty amusing.

That's all.

I was just laughing because I'm shyyyyyyyy!

So, lately the shit has been hitting the fan. Everything is reaching a boiling point, and I fear people are going to start exploding at one another very soon.

It's just that some people can be so uncaring, thoughtless and tactless. When someone is in need, or going through a rough time, you be there for them no matter what. They'll feel better and so will you. A bad conscious never helped anyone's insomnia, I always say.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better, cause then everyone will be happy and having lunch together.

In other news: My diet is going super well, had chocolate cake and cheese cake for breakfast, and now crunching happily away on Lays Sweet Thai Chilli chips. They seriously are the best. I could eat them all day every day! My metabolism is working overtime. Thank you good genes. Bless.

• The small thing that made me smile today: There was a hot guy in the car next to me at the robots. I mean, he was gorgeous. I can't help but laughing when this happens and end up blushing and hitting my head against the steering wheel for acting like a 8 year old girl. So uncool. Gots to get my game back yo.

And remember, a smile day keeps the blues away.

That's all.

Peace!

New Diet

I started a new diet this morning. And no, it doesn't involve eating less food, it actually means eating more junk food. This diet won't last till wednesday though.

A friend bought round chocolate cake and cheese cake from a party. Seeing as my house consists of nothing that has those trans fatty acids in them, I started drooling as soon as I saw that cake. Dee - lish.

I am literally starved for MSG and poly unsaturated fatty foods, I long for them, and that's exactly why I have a secret stash hidden, filled with biscuits, so now my cravings can be handled.

I'm not an addict or anything, although, this one time I didn't have ANY biscuits or cake for 24 hours, I was cold, screaming in my bed, my parents wouldn't listen, the worst was the hallucination of that baby on the roof. Kak scary!!

But alas, I am cured, the sugar levels are back to sky rocketing normal, and the shakes are gone courtesy of Budoirs.

Anyhoo, I have been loving the Olympics. The swimming and gymnastics are my favourite, and the pole vault, that one just freaks me out. The thought of that pole snapping while that hopeless, overtrained, broad-shouldered, unibrowed, sinewy legs, big-mouthed athlete holds on for dear life just repels me.

I've always wondered how they get started in that... "Here you go Olga, now take this pole and jump over that big pole at the top there."
"My daddy told me not to do anything with poles."
"Yes, well we're not living in Poland now, idiot! So jump over the fucking pole and land on the mat, otherwise I will teach what I can do with this pole!"
"But now there's three poles, I'm confused.."
"There, you happy now, back to two."

And so on and so on. Definitely not getting involved in that sport.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I saw a bitch today. An actual man-bitch. He was standing outside this shop with earphones dancing and mouthing the words to Mariah Careys new vomit song 'Touch my body.' Even at that I started flinching, then all of a sudden this older guy in a tight tank top comes out the shop, puts his arm around him and they go off frolicking together. Holy shit. I was actually more intrigued than anything. I wonder what their situation was...
  

Sweet and Sour (on noodle or rice)

What an extremely exhausting day. I went for my first run of the season today. It was horrid. My lungs felt like they were about to collapse (note to self: stop smoking) . I panted and gasped on the side of the road as some old crooner, most likely named Betty, walked passed me. Gave me a look, goodness knows what they thought, probably: "Jesus this girl is a pussy."

Needless to say my calves have had a life of their own today. Everyone time I want to walk they say "Yo, what the fuck you think you doing? Sit your ass down or we gonna make you feel more pain. Fool!" I listened very well.

Had some lovely drinks of wine last night. Decided I want to become a connoisseur, and go to wine festivals and say things like "well yes Margaret, this vintage wine is very compatable with this day and age. The elegance it beholds is ravishing and decadent, and it will taste marvelous with caviar and au cuisine." Then give a little laugh and carry on in my Queen's english accent.

One day.

• The small thing that made me smile today: Some kids were playing sweet and sour in their microbus schoolbus. (I have issues with microbusses. But that's for another day) They waved at me and God forbid if I should be labelled as sour. I gave a warm smile and a huge hearty wave to make sure they saw me. They waved at another car and they didn't wave back, the kids looked very upset.. but they were angels, didn't even retaliate. We used to give a big old 'fuck you very much' sign if people didn't return the gestures. Maybe the next generation will be a good one...

Goodness Gracious...

this weekend was a bit of a fuckshow! Drama, alcohol, and a bit of the other "things" *hint* *hint*.

Don't get me wrong, I love drama, as long as it doesn't involve me, I'm cool. Otherwise I'm there with a large popcorn and coke. Although Grape Slush Puppy is making it's way to the favourite spot again.

Saturday was spent looking for presents and drinking the au naturaal cafe. I was buzzing with the Royco love. A party occurred on the Sat night, something very bizarre happened, it might not sound like it now, but it was to me cause I was MC Hammered.

I was busy lighting up a ciggie when I feel this cold shiver and the feeling someone is staring at me. I slowly turn around to find two policemen with their eyes fixed on me. They didn't say a word, just stared. I thought for a moment I had a line of white "stuff" coming out of my nose or something. But I didn't. Talk about an awkward silence.

Sunday was the usual slug about, eat an elephant's share of junk food, then went to The Insect and drank some more. Fun times.

• The small thing that made me smile today: As I was driving the automobile today, I saw in my rear view mirror this guy behind me having the biggest yawn the world has ever seen. I know for a fact now that this guy has had his tonsils removed. No tonsil hockey for him then.
  

Don't people realise their windows are SEE-THROUGH!

That's all.

Scary dreams. And Enya

Lately I've been having horribly scary dreams. There not really nightmares where you wake up in the middle of the night screaming your lungs out. There just a bit morbid, and I've become a bit weary of them.

For example: The other night I dreamt I was driving and it was raining, I was driving Michael Schumacher fast and almost skidded and crashed. I drove like a granny the whole day after that, and I'm not one to drive slow.
And it was raining!! Coincidence... I think not.

In other news; Being unemployed is good for one thing, it gives you time to practice the art of becoming a couch potato. It's not easy, channel surfing is hard, I guess some people are just born with that skill, and if you're not careful and do necessary exercise before, you may get the dreaded carpal tunnel syndrome. Then what? having to hold the remote in my left hand is not an option. My left hand is as useful as my appendix, it's just there, for no reason.

I was very comfortably suited on the couch when my phone started singing, it's Slush.

Me: Hello. Smiley speaking, how may help you?
Slush: Why do you always answer the phone as if you're working for First National Bank.
Me: In case it's someone important calling, like the editor of Vogue wanting to give me a job. Or Enya.
Slush: I doubt Enya would call you.
Me: That's right she wouldn't. She's too angelic to use a phone, she gets angels to send her messages for her.
Slush: You need to get over this whole Enya craze.
Me: Whateva, I aint bovvered.
Slush: What are you doing tonight?
Me: I'm sailing away to the shores of Tripoli.
Slush: God.

• The small thing that made me smile today: There wasn't a lot today that made me smile really, but I did have a good old fashioned chuckle at the Madam and Eve. God, it gets me every time.

Once upon a time.

So... I once upon a time did this before, created a blog, but the creation of it was ill-timed seeing that I was MC-hammered, and might've, just might've been tripping.
Anywoo, when I woke up the next morning and realised I was at my home in my own bed, I stumbled to the computer to discover - to my horror - that I had created a blog.

Not even I could really understand it, if the peeps from Oxford had read it they could have started a new dictionary. So I did the sensible thing and deleted it.

But now, times they are a changing. I've started to take things into perspective just a little, and took a step back, relaxed from the partying for a week with the flu and it gave me ample amount of time to reflect realise that my life right now is pretty darn... SHIT!

To my defense, I'm young. On the other hand I'm qualified, unemployed, insecure, have an irrational fear of failure, in and out of relationships and at the moment boyfriend-less, and the bank account isn't what it was last week.
So I really mean it when I say I think a change is coming, I can feel it in the air, the way the trees sway in the wind (think John Travolta in Phenomenon... Oh yes!) the way the coffee grains land in the mug - it's to the left to the left. It used to be bang in the middle.

I need to start changing things, and this is one of them. I bottle things up and the lid is screwed on so tight not even Hulk Hogan could make a dent. I have issues from years ago. But things are going to start changing around here, there's a new Sheriff in town, and even though there are small things that still make me smile and improve my day, I'm going to try and toughen up, no more Miss walkover, time to turn the tables. These boots are made for walking and I just bought a new pair.

I'm also going to search for my voice. I seem to have, from people mentioning it, a rather soft voice. I mutter a lot, mainly because it's rude and I'm just one faux pas a minute, but seriously this has got to change. SOLUTION: I'm going to start taking a megaphone with me every I go. Sorted.

That was quite a nice vent. I've been in a rather good mood today, this vent was like the Chronicles of Narnia compared to Lord of the Rings.

• The small thing that made me smile today: I found R3.05c in my pocket. How cool!? It may not sound like that to all, but seriously to the unemployed that's a blessing. I mean R3, that's 3 fizz pops yo!

Lekker soos a double decker. (my afrikaans is HOrrendous)

And remember a smile a day keeps the blues away.